how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
