Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
