Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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