I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can I color on your dick again?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
