After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
