Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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