she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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