They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
