new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize