I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
