Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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