It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
