After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize