His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
