Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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