You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
