Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
