It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
