Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just pee around me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
