I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
