Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
