dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
