just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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