AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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