Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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