i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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