wrigley field is MILF paradise
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
