Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
