I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
