I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize