So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
