wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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