please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize