HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize