The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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