i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
