I must be too annoying 4 u.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
