my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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