I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
