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I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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