Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
