yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
