We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
