In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
