She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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