she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize