Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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