I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
As shirtless as possible
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
