He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
