My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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