Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize