I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
