a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
