I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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