He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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