Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He shit in the fireplace
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
