sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize