And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
