can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We have so much sex to catch up on
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize