I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
