so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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