how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
