My Higher Power is John Stamos
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
